My Father's Words

I was a teenager at the time, so were my older sisters, and the youngest was in elementary school. I remember it was a Saturday afternoon. My two older sisters were sitting at one end of the dining room table and my dad was at the other end. The dining room table was often used forthings other than eating; reading a book, or doing a puzzle, so it was quite common for people to sit there. I was standing near the table,just sort of hanging around. My dad was in a somber mood, maybe due to a fight he had with my mom, I'm not really certain what caused his mood.A conversation started up, and someone mentioned my youngest sister, whowas not present at the time. My dad responded with, "At least I got one pretty daughter." It was clear his reference was to the youngest, absent daughter, and not the three in his presence. I looked at my twoolder sisters, who said nothing and looked back to what they were doing,and I immediately responded with a sarcastic "Oh, that's real nice." He didn't take back his comment or soften it in any way. I was really struck by this statement. Up until that time, I thought my looks were"okay." This new revelation was like a punch to the stomach. Things were bad enough, being a teenager and all, but now I had to face the fact that I was not pretty. My dad said so. For years, I have carried this thought. Whenever things went wrong, I chalked it up to the fact that I was not pretty. Often as the loser in love and other games, I comforted myself with the fact that I wasn't pretty anyway, so what did I expect the outcome to be. Still, in my darkest moments, I hear my dad say that I am not pretty.

A few years ago, I was with my younger sister and my dad. He noticed a magazine with a beautiful blonde model on the cover. He said to me,"Hey, she looks just like you."I am not blonde like the model, and didn't really see any similarity in our features. I wondered why he was comparing me to someone who didn't look like me at all, maybe he remembered his previous statement, but Ididn't really think so, that was over 20 years ago. I smiled at him,but this latest statement, this comment on my "beauty" didn't penetrate the truth I had built for myself over the years with the help of my dad; that I was not and would never be pretty.