Am I Still Pretty?

I turned fifty years old last year. But as I sit on the cusp of 51, I realize how important looking and feeling pretty is. Let me go backward in time here- When I was in my forties, I considered myself not too bad looking for my age, though I had to have a couple of back teeth removed it wasn't noticeable. Any laugh lines or crows feet on my face were easily fixed by a heavier application of makeup. Just wasn't a big deal. I had a great figure for a woman my age. Even my three daughters were envious. I was happily married and nowhere near a mid life crisis. When I was in my thirties, I always looked a little younger than my same age friends and relatives. I could wear tight jeans and T shirts and not look ridiculous. I was at the decade where I had to color the roots of my hair occasionally but back then it was more fun than necessary. I wasn't classically pretty. I had a crooked nose and my mouth wasn't wide and full. I was average looking maybe. I never considered myself ugly though back then. I still got a fair share of whistles from guys and it never ceased to thrill me. In my twenties, I was probably at my peak like so many other women. I went braless or wore haltertops that accentuated by breasts. I wore hiphugger jeans and high heel sandals everywhere. I barely wore makeup-just mascara. I sauntered when I walked and held my head high. My hair was long and shiny like in an advertisement. I flirted and smiled at men. I never thought about the affect my looks could have on anyone. I just looked in the mirror, made sure no leftover teenage zits were visible. I wasn't vain but I did care. More than one person back then said I reminded them of Mary Tyler Moore-smile and all. I considered this a compliment.Theres no point in even mentioning the teenage years. I was still physically evolving and morphing into the woman I would later look like. Actually my looks in those years were not my biggest problem. There were other issues more important than that.As I said at the beginning of this, I am just about to turn 51. Now I obsess about my looks. I look in the mirror constantly like a teenager constantly touching up this and fixing that or erasing all my makeup and starting over. I realize now what a high premium is paid to beauty. I see photos of myself and flinch. I can't believe I actually look my age. And I absolutely Hate it. I realize now that so much of my self esteem was tied up with my looks all these years. I'm out of work right now and have been on two interviews. I am positive I didn't get one of the jobs I applied for because I wasn't a young and Pretty woman. Somewhere along the line I got older which is fine but the attractiveness sputtered out probably when I was in my forties and I didn't notice. I know I don't turn heads anymore. That is probably the most shallow thing to notice but I dare any woman not to give a damn.There are days when I say to myself to just skip the makeup-its not needed now. The looks I had when I was younger aren't relevant anymore. Why try to fight it? I find myself wondering, when did I stop being pretty? Why do I care still? But if a total stranger told me I was pretty, it would give a lift that would last a week.