Unworthy

Growing up I never felt beautiful. I was awkward really, long legs, short torso, wild hair that went every which way and a massive over bite. Middle school was a hard time, I was teased constantly by my peers about my appearance, and, to add insult to injury, I was a late bloomer and by age 13 still lacked any curves whatsoever. I would go home and cry often, usually on Friday nights when my friends were hanging out with their boy crushes at the movies. I really wanted boys to like me, but they never did. Perhaps themost painful experience was having the boy I really liked not only insult me in public but then ask out a friend of mine in front of my face. When it was time for me go to high school my family moved to the other sideof town and around that same point I naturally came into my own. I got my braces off, learned how to brush my hair and began to fill out. No one had been to middle school with me to remember the horrible taunts I had endured, so by the time age 16 rolled around I was in the full swing of dating. Although I had "blossomed" and was receiving the attention of men at this point, for some reason I still felt ugly; to be quite honest, I'm 21 now andI still feel ugly. I can't explain why, but no matter how much attention I get or how many compliments I receive I still feel like that awkward girl. I always want to be a little thinner, or a little trendier, or as pretty as somebody else. It's like I can't accept myself for who I am and always feel unworthy of the men I am with. This has caused me to be treated poorly and to give myself away to easily. I need men to want to sleep with me to feel validated as an attractive women, I know this is wrong, but I can't stop. I have hurt a lot of people being like this but most of all I've hurt myself. I realize the problem and am currently taking steps to fix it, it's just hard, I'm afraid that I will never see myself as beautiful without the reinforcement of others.