The Truth of My LIfe
The truth is that I feel like Shit is written on my forehead. There is not a day that goes by where I don't feel ugly and dirty and like I am the bad one. I have always been the bad one. I don't know why, but everything I did was wrong. I was always told I was too dramatic as a kid or that I talked to much or that I asked too many questions in class. The foods I liked were wrong. The TV shows I liked were wrong. Everything was wrong and I was bad. I always heard everyone talk about how pretty the other girls were, but no one said it about me. I was just nothing and I still am.I was sexually abused when I was young. The first time I was around 3 or 4, then I had a step-dad that started in the 4th grade. I went on a cruise and got in a fight with my husband. We had problems, but I loved him. I went to hang out with my brother in the bar. I was anorexic and I was desperate for someone to love me. I drank a few beers and the next day my husband found me with some guy. I have no memory of anything; i just had a really bad headache and I hadn't checked on my son. I don't do that. I don't know what happened, but I was bad and I have been considered some horrible person for that too. I want to know how many times one person can be sexually abused by different people. I think people see me as nothing from the start and they know that I am the one too hurt. For all the people that come across this and think I am uneducated about this, I am not. I know what re-victimization is, but it just feels like people know I am shit. Like I am such shit you should try and fuck me, because I am nothing.I do not feel lovable. I do not feel pretty. I feel ugly and bad. I think bad epitomizes who I am. Something must be wrong with me because everyone, and I mean everyone, has something negative to say. I have never been good. I was a bother as a child or in the way or wrong. I was adopted and I know my mom wanted me, but there was so much going on and somehow I got pegged as bad. I would say more, but I don't want to s ay anything that could ever hurt her. My birth mother was 13, but I never knew it-until I was a mother. I grew up thinking I was unwanted by some lady that didn't think I was good enough. That hurt a lot. What hurt the most was the step-dad. He really tormented me. He thought it was funny to hold me under the water in the pool. I loved the pool, but I always listened for the splash because it meeant he was coming. I always tried to stay near the edge of the pool so I could try to get out, but it never worked. HE just came and held me under. I don't know why, but I was always so scared of his wrath. He thought it was funny to hold me down too and I couldn't stand it. I just don't know what I did to make him target me, but it was all the time. He always showed me his penis, which I hated. HE always did things to hurt me, like shoving me in the pool or hitting me for no reason. I Would just walk by and well eventually I just didn't walk by him anymore.Why? WHY? What was wrong with me? I shaved for the first time for my 4th grade Christmas show-i have black hair. When I came out with my mom and was so proud I saw the look and I knew it was bad. It was then that he started coming in my room at night. It was then that I knew he would kill my mother if I ever said anything. He did a good job of keeping us seperated. I really don't know how I made it through school the next day and everyday. I was miserable. I was young when I considered killing him. I thought about how i could just go in and plunge a knife into his heart. His side of the bed was by the door and I could do it, but I knew my mom would be sad without him so I didn't. I endured his hell and was forever changed. She ended up divorcing him soon after, but I would only become more shit.The state found out what he had done and I guess they went to the school I attended, a private Christian school in Sarasota, fl. I was suddenly labeled the bad person, the girl no one should play with and my best friend's parents actually pulled her out of school to get her away from me. Stacey was her name. I found out later she had lied about things I had done, I am not sure what all she said, but I can tell you that she always had a filthy mouth. I remember when we were in the 5th grade she laid on the bed and said "I want to fuck so bad" over and over. I know she thought she was cool for saying it, but I just looked at her and thought she was stupid. I knew she didn't know what she was talking about. Either way I was the one, again, that was bad. I didn't even do anything, but I was labeled. I left the school soon after because I couldn't stand to be somewhere where everyone thought I was shit. I remember a teacher, and I guess the school, deciding I needed a talk about not starting sex too soon or not acting sexual or something. I didn't act sexual at all. I had a couple of boyfriends that I may have kissed, but that was all. I was a whore for that though. I was a whore for being molested. I should have never told anyone. I know my own mother still doesn't believe it. You know me, the piece of shit that would lie about something I knew nothing about? No one talked about this stuff in the early 80's. I was a kid and no one discussed it, but I liied about it...cuz I am the piece of shit dramatic one.I met my husband in the 8th grade. He was a life saver, however we had our problems back then and in the beginning of our marriage. He had problems and I had problems and some of the things he said to me in anger eat at me daily. Deep down I know he loves me, but the "I hate you"s and "I want to get out of here" and the one time "You are nothing" still sits deep in my heart. My parents constantly said "he doesn't love you, he never wanted to marry you". I just felt unwanted, not good enough, and bad. I was a mother at 18 and I was overweight after the birth and an embarrassment so I quickly become anorexic. I tried to please, but it didn't work. I was still an embarrassment.I worked out 3-4 hours a day. I starved myself and took laxatives. I took pills from GNC that made my heart race. They have since yanked those pills off the shelves, but they did make me thin and they did actually destroy my health and my future health. I lost a lot of weight and no one seemed to notice. I am 5'4" and got down to a size 12 in girls clothing. No one said anything. I saw tracy gold on Oprah and she said that it hurt her ribs to lay down. Well that became my goal and I rarely even drank water, because I thought I it would make my stomach pooch out. I drank laxative teas and only ate half a cup of rice a day. I was really small. I was insulted by women and hated and that only made it worse. I remember my son's preschool teacher made fun of me in front of all the kids and the parents at a party. I had just had a miscarriage, which took off more weight, and she gave my son a cookie and said "you want to give this to your mommy, oh wait I forgot your mommy doesn't eat cookies. All the parents just looked at me. She also told everyone I got pregnant by a really old guy and was still sleeping with him. That wasn't true, but she hated me. Was it because I was thin or because I am shit? Who knows?My husband actually said something that made me think I needed to change. Plus I loved my son so much and I didn't want to leave him alone. It has been 8 years of trying to recover and I never feel good. I am always tired and run down. I destroyed my body. The anorexia was a way to avoid all the pain. It took up so much of my time I could avoid the thoughts that haunted me. The thoughts have evolved into hypervigilence. I am terrified of men. I don't want people to touch me and I cringe when men do. I don't like men approaching me and I don't like to be out in the dark. I feel like it is only a matter of time until some man comes to hurt me again. My mind wouldn't make it through another sexual assault. It has taken all that it can and it is close to breaking. I feel fear a lot. I feel terror when I hear noises at night and a home invasion is my worst nightmare.The thoughts are always there, but at times they are pushed back. I know I am a bad person. I am a person that is not acceptable to my family or people i meet on the street. They just look at me and hate me. I don't even have to say anything. I even had one guy walk up to me at Walgreens and say "boy you are an ugly one aren't you". It just solidified that shit that I feel like I am. I had a close friend named Jen. Everytime I went to her house her dad would say "hi ugly". I just don't know what I did wrong and why I am so ugly.my son is now 14. He is beautiful and a good boy and I have worked hard everyday to make him feel loved. I never wanted him to wonder why he wasn't loved. He is a teenager and you know how teenagers are. His actions often hurt. I wonder if he knows how much.I live for my kids and my husband. I do not feel acceptable to anyone. I feel like I should just put my head down. I got my B.A. and my Masters and you would think it would boost your self-esteem. It doesn't. I am smart, real smart, but no one ever bother to get to know me. And I don't try anymore. Every friend I have ever had has ended up hurting me badly. I just stay away I don't try to be close to anyone anymore . I have noticed in the past two years that I have become numb. I don't want to feel anything; I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to care because people will just decide I am nothing again and leave. My husband has stayed for 18 years. He is here, but his words from long ago are still in my heart. I try to let them go, but they eat at my soul. I am just tired. I must live on for my children and I guess for the insults that just keep coming. My husband loves me, but I do not know why or for how long. I am sure he will eventually leave. I think I am an embarrassment to him too. His family has hated me from day one and they still do. I have to go to family gatherings and be the balck sheep. I just don't even try anymore. I am sick of the lies told and the dirty looks. I am just tired of the cruelty.How does one become lovable? How does one become beautiful or special or cherished? I have always wanted to be these things and somehow I am not considered any of these. Life is beautiful, I know this. Children are beautiful, but the other stuff is just overshadowing everything. I want to be something and I want to be special. I guess some people just don't get that label. I am just some one to assult, to insult, or to make fun of. I am shit, I am nothing and that is my truth, the truth of me and my life. Maybe it will get better some day, but I feel my label has already been decided and I must live with it.
posted by administrator at 7:10 AM
11 Comments:
You need serious psychological help. You life will only get better when you stand up for yourself and take responsibility for your own life. No one is just waiting out there to "save" you. You can't change what happened to you and I'm not saying your responsible for the abuse you experienced as a child but you are fully and solely responsible for the way you handle it now. A lot of us had crappy childhoods. Stop wearing yours like a badge of honor and do something about it.
That last comment is a little strong, no? Whilst there is freedom in taking responsibility, there are many of us who have been abused, and have not yet figured out how to handle it. Putting it in writing is a first and soothing way of "doing something about it"
Writing is a great way to purge these kinds of feelings. They need to be expressed or they'll eat you alive inside. I say keep writing girl! Your words are powerful.
You asked: "How does one become lovable? How does one become beautiful or special or cherished? I have always wanted to be these things and somehow I am not considered any of these."
No one else can provide these things for you, only you can. I'm not saying that to try to smooth over anything you've been through. I can't even imagine how hard it was, and how much it still affects you.
I'm not going to tell you to suck it up and get over it, because I know it's not that simple. But these negative thoughts about yourself have been planted in your head by other people. And you chose to believe it. That's good news, because it means you can choose to plant new thoughts about yourself if you want to.
Try loving yourself completely and truly, in spite of your flaws. In fact, love your flaws. Embrace them, and they will cease to exist as flaws anymore. Instead they will become one small part of the beautiful mosaic that is you.
You might not want to hear any of this, and you don't have to accept it. I just felt I had to say it. Love and peace to you!
to anonymous,
I know the person who wrote this and I can tell you this. She doesn't wear it like a badge of honor. She hides it all, she acts like it isn't there, because that is what she has been taught. I am a mental health counselor and I told her to write it out. Put her true, honest-to-God, feelings on the table...to let the ugliness out and let it go.
It is completely clear that you have no compassion and you are unable to sense anothers pain. I thought her pain was completely clear and honest. A lot more honest than I would or could have been. It saddens me that she was honest and once again she gets slammed. You just backed up her statements. And for the record, she has foght to stand up more times than I have ever seen in a woman.
You are the one that needs help, you need to learn empathy, not pity, but empathy. Please look it up. You need to learn compassion and how not to degrade others. Her writing about it was her "Doing Something About It".
I hope you are proud that you backed up her worst fears, that she is always wrong. Even writing her own true feelings she was wrong.
I agree with three of the four here. The fact that she even had the courage to write it deserves recognition. Just because there is one person who doesn't agree doesn't change that fact. They just represent that group. Posting the story here is far from a "Badge of Honor", but instead is a way to share with others, strangers, how she feels. I join the others in commending her.
As an abuse survivor I urge you to get help. I don't agree with the first responder's choice of words but I understand his/her frustration. You're stuck in victim mode. Please get help. You owe it to your son to be healthy.
This is a great, vivid, urgent piece of writing. I really think it's excellent. I don't know what your graduate degree is in, but I hope you bring the same kind of sensitivity, nerve and bottomlessness to your work.
You know, somebody once said, "Great pain carves out space in the soul for great joy."
Maybe soon, with disciplened thinking [no torturing yourself] and a fair dose of luck, you'll reach the joy part.
Good luck to you.
I think the first comment shouldn't be taken that seriously. It sounds like just some generic 'tough love' speech copied and pasted from some other comment blog. It was kinda lame.
The first comment was very harsh and that person is an extreme idiot. I totally agree with the mental health counselor. This woman obvioulsy knows she has a long road ahead of her and doesn't need some idiot telling her to "get over it and move on" when all her life, she's been denigrated, abused, and treated like shit. Her "recovery", if you will, is a process and will not happen overnight. There are so many people out there struggling with the exact same issues, all choosing to deal with it in their own ways.
The nice lady who gave you the suggestions on the ways you will become lovable is on point. Start by concentrating on YOU, not your husband, not his family, not your mother, not your so-called friends, but YOU. Often-times when people treat us like shit, it's because we feel that's exactly what we are. You have to change your way of thinking, and from a person who's been through similar situations, I know that is NOT easy to do. It is definitely a process and I wish you the best of luck.
to the person who wrote this post, don't listen to the first commentor. He or she is an idiot.
You are lovable, I promise. I have felt unloved before mysself but have grown to know that 'He maketh all things beautiful in His own time". Don't look to people to complete you, please. You are strong and you too have worth.
One love.
Uche.
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