Surfer

When I was 15 years old I wanted to learn how to surf. My first time in the water I felt frustrated, humiliated, and unsure. The men did not appreciate my addition to the line-up. There were two types of men in the water that day: those who wanted to know if I was naked under my wetsuit and those who told me to go surf somewhere else. To avoid the men, I began surfing at a small cove in front of my house. The waves barely broke there, I was surrounded by rocks and seaweed, and it was incredibly lonely. I felt like I was ostracized from the sport just because I was a girl. Those first years of learning how to surf still haunt me to this day. I am immediately intimidated when I paddle out to the line-up with a group of men. I feel that I am not good enough to take off on the same wave as them and I always back off and let them have the wave. I still prefer surfing at the lesser spots so that I can be by myself. I still find myself downplaying my surfing ability by telling people that I am not that good. In all other aspects of my life I feel sure of myself and my abilities but the second I am in the water I feel less than the other surfers. An outsider looking in to the inner circle that I can never seem to be a part of.