The Power of You

My own twisted perception of self started at an early age, which I now believe may have been due in part to an occurrence of incestual abuse as a small child. This experience, coupled with cruel, relentless remarks about my chest (or lack thereof) beginning as early elementary school and continuing through my later teenage years led me to slowly ingrain the notion that my body was somehow abnormal. My body was not something beautiful but something ugly. I began drinking and smoking my freshman year of high school, destroying my body as it was still growing. Along with the usual teenage angst came a deeper sense of depression and feelings of isolation that continue to this day, although to a much lesser degree.

I became involved in destructive, emotionally abusive relationships that I lacked the confidence to break away from. While in college I developed an eating disorder that I am still struggling with three years after graduation. Laxatives and diet pills along with cycles of restrictive eating and binging became a way to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy. I mistakenly thought that if I stayed thin, I would feel more attractive. Instead, the result of diuretic abuse culminated in panic attacks, angry outbursts, and extreme gastrointestinal problems. At my lowest point I didn't leave my house for several weeks and couldn't hold a job for several months.

Recently, I was hospitalized for a week in a psychiatric ward. Through this experience I feel blessed to have met some wonderful people, and through cognitive and alternative therapies I am receiving the help and strength that I need. Additionally, I have begun to incorporate an element of spirituality into my life that has left me feeling more at peace than I have ever been. I am just beginning to feel a reconnection to a part of myself that was lost among feelings of hurt, confusion, insecurity, guilt, anger and self-loathing. It can be a difficult journey, which is why each of us must believe in our ability to heal, and take comfort in knowing that we are all unique and special people who are worthy of loving ourselves everyday. Be proud of who you are - true beauty reaches far beyond aesthetics.